Have you noticed that in my monthly updates about Grayson, no new teeth have been mentioned? He will be ten months old in a couple days, but on Labor Day his first tooth finally broke through the gums! Funny how each baby’s milestones can be so different — rolling over, crawling, walking, talking, growing teeth, potty training… etc. Each stage occurs in its own time. I joked with the doctor we might have to get Grayson baby dentures, but we do not! We have had a breakthrough!
That’s the best picture I could get, and it’s still hard to see. He does not like me touching his gums!
HOW PERFECT IS THAT OONSIE?! It’s 100% literal.
I guess you could say I had a breakthrough of my own… As of September 3 I have reached a new milestone in my recovery–18 months clean.
Wow, looking at that photo actually gets me a little choked up. I thought it was perfect having focus on the keytag with Grayson in the background… This picture says so much. This is the longest consistent stretch of clean time I have gathered in the last FIVE YEARS!!!!! I have never made it this far before. I’ve had 36 days… 11 months… barely over a year… and a few days here and there in between… before returning to active addiction.
I’ve fallen deeper into the addiction each time I’ve stopped and started. Logic should tell me that since it gets worse each time, I should not do that again. But the disease of addiction, my disease, does not listen to logic. Each time I relapsed I was convinced I could make something better by using. Each time my behavior became more degrading. Each time I told myself I could use a different substance because “that other one was the one I had the problem with.” I stopped valuing my life completely, believing the pain I felt and the pain I inflicted would finally end once my life did. I got stuck in the cycle of using because I felt bad, only to feel worse afterwards, then using again to not feel that either… and on and on it went. And worse and worse it got.
This time around I finally reached a dead end on my path of destruction. I was running out of money. I was running over relationships. At this dead end, my options were not at all appealing to me. At that point I realized I only had one promising option, and I finally decided to walk another path. That path is recovery.
18 months later here I am… Married to my best friend… Mother to the love of my life… In good health… Employed… Paying off my debts from the past, and saving for the future home of my dreams. This is thanks to recovery and God. The longer I stay clean, the more confident I become and the clearer I think (minus “Mom Brain” ugh!) The more clean time I accumulate, the better life gets. Not only do I want to do this, I can do this! I’m breaking through.
After all, I have so much to live for.